A Beginner’s Guide To Sex Toys That Won’t Scar You For Life

Some say maturity is measured by the copious amounts of subtweets blasted on social media about some fucktard, or the continuing decision to chase your birth control with Fireball. What some don’t know is that maturity is actually measured by the futile attempt of not cracking a faint giggle as the sex store saleslady gives you a detailed lecture on how to properly insert a vibrating C-ring onto his bulging erection (lol she said “erection”). Needless to say, my first time purchasing a sex toy was eye-opening.

If you’re already a self-described sex toy aficionado, kudos—you’ve prob faked your way through one too many orgasms in your life while attempting to cover it up with some “let’s get more adventurous” bullshit. But if you’re not so savvy in the whole grown-up toys department, you’re obvs curious. K, so forget what I said—sex toys are great. They’re like that excuse of a best guy friend you secretly lust over while convincing your boyfriend he’s “like a brother” to you—in other words, they’re the backup you crave in times of pure desperation. Think about it: Have you ever heard of a woman being let down by her vibrator? We as a society may be sucking down Tide Pods this year, but we’re well past the point of sex toys being a taboo, so consider this like a Dildos for Dummies if you’re thinking about blessing your life with the art of greater satisfaction. Your vagine can thank me later.

You, in a euphoric state of pure orgasmic bliss when you’re done reading this:

LUBRICANT

This isn’t groundbreaking information, and I fucking realize lube is not a sex “toy”, but the stigma around using lube because you don’t want him to think you’re a “dried up old hag” has been cancelled. Nobody thinks that, and nobody will judge you if you suggest using it, especially while using toys. Using lube is not like, required in the rule book to have a good time, but neither is vodka, and I don’t see you going out dry-as-fuck-sober every weekend. So do yourself a solid and invest in some $10 coconut-flavored (WATER-BASED) lube so you’ll NEVER have to ask yourself “did this fuck seriously just slap his spit onto my clit?” 

And also, this:

VIBRATOR

A woman without a vibrator is like… some metaphor I can’t even think of because it physically pains me to even imagine. Whether you’re regularly scheduling dick appointments or you’re a lone ranger, invest in a fucking vibrator. Like, before you invest in decent health insurance. Vibrators are great for solo seshes or for partner play, because they require little effort for maximum clitoral stimulation and satisfaction and don’t contain a shit ton of fancy features. There’s one battery required for one button containing like, 10 different speeds and double the orgasms. That’s like, some Bill Gates innovative shit.

The We-Vibe is also great for couples and the pleasure is literally in the name: we fucking vibe. One end goes inside to hit the G-spot and one resides directly on the clit. It may look like an IUD-type contraption, but the irony here is after being orgasmically blessed into the holy gates of Heaven, you’ll def want his babies. Jk, kinda.

DIRTY DICE

Remember in , when older bitchy Jenna told her super-hot hockey player bf she wanted to play a game and he thought playing Battleship meant a game of dick, dick, goose, and she def didn’t? Well, with Dirty Dice, you’re both on the same page while playing a game that will 100% end up in sex. You literally have to roll a pair of dice and do what it says #revolutionary. This is perfect for couples who are too prude shy to whip out actual toys to spruce up their sex life, and the anticipation is sure to heighten your sexual senses, so get rolling.

DILDO

Congrats! You’re finally thinking about biting the bullet and actually buying the bullet. I’ll be the first to admit, sex stores don’t exactly market their dildos to be friendly and pleasurable pieces of hardware. Like, wtf is with the round table shrine of sacrificial hard-ons upon entrance? And sure, the last thing you want to see when you open your drawer is a veiny triumphant bastard with silicone balls staring you straight in the face, but don’t be fooled by a dildo’s exterior—most of these handheld devices come equipped with vibrating clit stimulators resembling fuzzy animal ears, and even are named after some adorable AF wildlife, like “fluttering rabbit” or “leaping dolphin” or some shit. Plus, it’s like you’re introducing one new friend to another: Rabbit, meet G-Spot.

BEGINNER BONDAGE KIT

If you ever try to tell me you don’t actually have a fantasy or that you haven’t left the movie theater soaking wet the past two Valentine’s Day weekends, you can politely excuse yourself now. A bondage set is a must-have for beginner sex toy consumers. It’s like the gateway drug that leads to a wonderful world of nipple clamps and butt plugs (shut up, you’re sort of curious). Truthfully, idk how the fuck “introduction” and “S&M” could ever be placed in the same sentence, but it’s apparently a thing. This kit comes with everything you need to amp up the kink: fuzzy cuffs, an eye mask and a faux-leather flogger that allows for any pleasure level from gentle grazing to “whip me harder, Christian!”

C-RING

This shit may or may not have ruined my childhood because upon first glance, I low-key thought it was a Life Saver. Anyway, I will say that this shit takes practice, but it’s well worth it when used correctly. Cock rings are designed mostly for men to basically rubberhead their peen, restricting blood flow and causing increased pressure, which results in the ultimate O. But then a bunch of fems were all, “what about my pleasure?” so voilà—the vibrating cock ring was born. These are great for when he “forgets” to show your clit some love during sex so you’re not forced to basically masturbate while he’s going full throttle. Like I said, desperate times call for desperate fucking measures.

Read more: http://www.betches.com/beginner-sex-toy-guide

5 Crazy Stories From The Early Days Of Disneyland

As we’ve mentioned many times in the past, your favorite purveyor of childhood memories and nostalgia isn’t as wholesome as you like to think. From sidelining Mickey Mouse’s true creator to backstabbing Robin Williams, there are plenty of whimsical cartoon skeletons in Disney’s closet, and we aren’t done airing them all. You can blame our broken childhood, penchant for fun-ruining, or plain old spite, but it’s a drug that we can’t kick. So let us tell you about …

5

The Pirates Of The Caribbean Ride Was (And Might Still Be) Decorated With Real Skeletons

Think fast, what’s your favorite ride at Disneyland, and why are you lying about it not being Pirates of the Caribbean? It might have resulted in Johnny Depp’s career being extended way beyond its natural lifespan, sure, but it’s so cool, what with the waterfalls and the pirates and the cannons and the real desiccated skulls laying everywhere.

Kidding. They aren’t “everywhere” anymore. There are only a few left in the ride … they think.

You see, when the ride was built in 1967, it cost $105 million — a sum that went into making PotC the most in every way possible, from the animatronics to lighting to special effects to puffy shirts. According to a book by former Disney producer Jason Surrell, the only problem they had was finding decorative skeletons that didn’t look like they’d spent the best part of the last century sitting in your grandma’s attic. Utilizing the sort of ingenuity that lands you the job of designing theme park rides, the team hit up some friends at UCLA Medical Center and asked if they wouldn’t mind handing out some medical specimens.

Joe Penniston/FlickrYou know, for the kids.

And it worked! The ride was a smash hit with park patrons, who probably weren’t aware that they were now subject to the dumbest curse imaginable. Over time, the skeletons were replaced with better-looking replicas and given a proper burial. Or at least, most of them were. Maybe. Although it’s hard to say for sure, there’s reason to believe that there are still a few genuine body parts occupying the ride, identifiable thanks to the fact that they look a lot more … discolored than the fakes, and also possess anatomical features that it’s doubtful model makers would have bothered to include.

Harsh Light/FlickrHint: It’s the one that got turned into a freaking bed.

It’s hard to confirm these as real without security attempting to turn you into a human pinata, but the legends might be true about there being a disembodied head at Disneyland, folks. We all just made the mistake of thinking that it was Walt’s.

4

You Could Fly To Disneyland By Helicopter … Until Two Crashed In The Same Year, Killing 44 People

Driving to Disneyland with a car full of children is an experience equal to journeying through the nine circles of Hell, except we don’t remember The Divine Comedy making reference to anyone having to poop at the world’s dirtiest truck stop.

It’s not like the good ol’ days, when tourists were able to beat the crowds entirely and fly straight into the park, courtesy of a frequent helicopter shuttle provided by Los Angeles Airways. Visitors could fly from LAX to a heliport built near the park (and back again) in a little under 20 minutes, all for the princely sum of $4. Alongside luxury and the obligatory cocaine-like ego boost that riding anywhere in a helicopter provides, riders were also able to experience a breathtaking view of the park that few have seen since those halcyon days … albeit for a very good reason.

Disney History InstituteAnd no, sadly it wasn’t something like “awful complimentary peanuts.”

In May 1968, a shuttle carrying 20 passengers and three crew crashed en route to LAX from Disneyland after encountering mechanical difficulties. Whilst flying over the city, witnesses reported that the helicopter started lurching uncontrollably. Although the crew attempted to lighten the load by throwing cargo over the side, their efforts to reduce how badly gravity was trying to screw them were proven to be for naught by the helicopter suddenly nosediving into the ground. Everyone aboard was killed, in what was deemed the then-worst civilian helicopter disaster in U.S. history. Unfortunately, there was about to be competition in that department.

Disney History Institute“Welp, at least this is never, ever happening again.”

In the aftermath of the accident, it was found that a single missing bolt had caused the rotor blades to essentially dismantle themselves in midair. You’d expect such a failure with the needing-to-have-working-rotors-in-order-to-not-kill-a-bunch-of-people machines to cause the fleet to be grounded while they were checked for problems, and they were. It’s too bad that almost immediately after service was resumed, the same freaking thing happened again.

In August 1968, only three months after the first crash, a copter travelling from LAX to Disneyland carrying 18 passengers and three crew dropped out of the sky from a height of 1,500 feet after, you guessed it, the rotor blades separated from the craft. All 21 people aboard were killed in what was probably the then-second-worst civilian helicopter disaster in U.S. history, including the grandchild of the CEO of Los Angeles Airways. The service was grounded again, and the ensuing lawsuits, legal costs, and strike actions shuttered the shuttle — which, let’s face it, was probably just as well at that point.

3

Disneyland Used To Have “Real” Mermaids (Swimming Near Razor-Sharp Propellers)

In building Disneyland, Walt Disney strived for a level of immersion just shy of hallucinogenic. Nothing in the park — nothing — could remind his guests that they were paying crazy amounts of money to ride average-ish fairground rides and cheer as their kids kicked a costumed performer in the groin. This is the same philosophy that resulted in a supervillain-esque tunnel complex being built beneath the park (although we’re not sure where the communal underwear fits into this).

So when the time came to build a mermaid lagoon to drive submarines into, you can bet that Uncle Walt made damn sure that they were the most mermaid-y-acting mermaids money could buy, up to and including their willingness to damn near shear their faces off.

In 1959, Disneyland opened Submarine Voyage, a ride which allowed visitors to experience what it was like to ride in a submarine and journey through the briny depths of the oceans, including seeing sea monsters and mermaids. Of course, we don’t mean real mermaids, because as you know, Disney wouldn’t go into genetic engineering until they created Justin Timberlake in the ’90s. We’re talking about starfish-bra-wearing, fake-tail-clad women who made an easy $45 a week by swimming in the waters of the ride and sunning themselves on a rock, to the delight of onlookers. As it happens, however, the ride’s submarines used real propellers for authenticity, and so the mermaids would frequently have to worry about being sucked into and vaporized by the blasted thing.

Santa Monica PressOn the upside, if the propeller chopped off their legs, they could probably charge extra for the added authenticity.

Being half-naked women having fun in the sun, the mermaids would also have to contend with lecherous dudes jumping the fence and swimming out to them, presumably in the hope of fertilizing their eggs. That is, when they weren’t showering the mermaids in dollars bills and rolls of quarters like dancers at the world’s happiest/weirdest strip joint. The problems with male guests, as well as the general dangers of asking people to swim in a dirty pool of flotsam, jetsam, and razor blades, eventually convinced Disney to call quits on this one and stick to cartoon merfolk.

2

The CIA Advised Walt Disney On Preventing The Government From Meddling With Disney World

Not too long ago, we told you about how Disney World is, legally speaking, a secessionist state outside of the reach of the guvmit and its unfair insistence on rules and stuff. It’s a pretty weird arrangement for what is essentially a high-class Chuck E. Cheese’s, but how did it come to be in the first place? We’re pretty sure that though Walt Disney was an eccentric motherflipper, he had better things to do than host a coup d’etat. Well, that’s partially correct, in that he didn’t have the time — no, he palmed the job off to the CIA, who were more than happy to help. They had experience in this sort of thing, after all.

After he’d finished purchasing the land for their proposed park, Disney was left with more than 40 square miles under his company’s control. Eager to keep as much of that out of the government’s grasping mitts as possible, Disney teamed up with William Donovan (also known as the “Father of the CIA”) and Paul Helliwell (a lawyer who was part of efforts to overthrow Fidel Castro) to help build, lest we remind you, a cartoon-character-filled theme park.

Florida Development CommissionDespot Center was later renamed EPCOT.

So how do you solve a problem like government oversight? Oh, that’s easy: You create two ghost cities (the City of Bay Lake and the City of Lake Buena Vista) and populate them with your own workers, who, in exchange for certain privileges, agree to run the town in whatever way their corporate overlords want. Under this arrangement, Disney gets what it wants (freedom from the state, zero taxation, exemption from environmental regulations, maybe a goat sacrifice or two), and the workers get what they want, i.e. to live next to Disney World and line-cutting privileges at Space Mountain.

There are some pesky issues with this, namely that it violates certain parts of the Constitution and requires that all workers toe the line politically unless they want to be homeless. But that’s a small price to pay for wholesome, family-friendly fun, right?

1

A Former Nazi Interrogator Made The Mosaics In Cinderella’s Castle

As anyone who has ever undergone a midlife change in career knows, that stuff is hard to pull off. There’s all the doubt about whether you did the right thing, the constant line of questioning about why your old place was so bad, and the general confusion that comes from, say, spending 50 years as a coal miner, only to take up fluffing. For Hanns Scharff, however, it was a pretty easy, stress-free decision to move into the illustrious world of designing the mosaics that adorn Disneyland and EPCOT. After all, his previous job was “Nazi interrogator.” And no, we don’t mean that he interrogated Nazis.

During World War II, Scharff served as an interrogator with the Luftwaffe, tasked with dredging information out of captured Allied pilots and other POWs. He only managed to avoid being assigned a shift as a gallows tester at Nuremberg because he was one of those rare interrogators who didn’t like hurting people. He’d only fallen into the job butt-first after his superiors were wiped out in a (non-Disney-related) plane accident, not because of any raging bloodlust. Consequently, he wasn’t totally down on beating people, figuring that there must be a better way, gosh dang it. Even if he was working for the actual Nazis and all.

Scharff found that “better way” in the art of manipulating minds. Instead of strapping pilots to chairs and electrowiring their nuts, Scharff would simply let his newfound friends talk. One of his favorite gambits was to use his extensive intelligence network to build up a complete picture of each pilot and then lord his superior knowledge over them, making sure to get certain pieces of information wrong. His prisoners, desperate to one-up him, would then correct him, not knowing that they’d given him the information that he needed.

Schiffer Publishing, Ltd.If you ever wondered what would happen if Mr. Rogers was in a teleporter accident with Hitler, there you go.

His success rate was also helped by his habit of taking his prisoners on long walks through the local woodland, where they would share cigarettes, frolic, and talk about, like, home and the war and stuff that in a parallel universe lost them the war. Scharff would also arrange other experiences for his guests: dining with high command, visiting the local zoo, enjoying baked goods provided by Scharff’s wife, and so on. It was pretty much how you’d get a toddler to spill war secrets. One prisoner was even afforded the opportunity to fly a Messerschmitt fighter plane, albeit one with little to no fuel and no machine guns. Scharff was kind, but he wasn’t as gullible and easily manipulated as, um, our guys.

Despite being a foot soldier for history’s great evil, Scharff was well-respected by his prisoners, and come the end of the war, he was able to hit up some of his old contacts for advice about moving to the United States. Once there, he discovered his true passion: mosaic art. He established a workshop in New York City. His business booming, he subsequently moved to California, where he was soon contracted to decorate Cinderella’s Castle and EPCOT. It’s all well and good stealing Nazis for NASA, but did they ever make a child smile? We think not.

From Screen to Theme
From Screen to ThemeJust, you know, try not to mention any state secrets near here.

Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook, and has a newsletter about depressing history that you should totally subscribe to. It’s really good, honest.

Mermaid tails are actually pretty heavy-duty gear and you do not want to be sucked into a propeller while wearing one.

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_25274_5-crazy-stories-from-early-days-disneyland.html

Donald Trump’s 6 Very Real, Very Insane Tips For A Good Life

Whatever you make of him politically, there’s no denying that Donald Trump has been alive for a long, long time. That is literally the least that we can give him. So it stands to reason that he must know something — that he must have some standards or guidelines by which a person can live their life. What a rich source of lifestyle advice he would be, if only he’d share this with us. If only he could find some time in his day to talk about himself.

Oh, it turns out he can.

6

Never Let Go Of Your Grudges

Much of Trump’s life can be defined by the grudges he’s held. Nobody thinks about Rosie O’Donnell that much under normal circumstances. “When people treat me unfairly, I don’t let them forget it,” he told reporters during his presidential campaign in 2016. It doesn’t seem to matter that he’s often wealthier or more powerful than the people he’s holding grudges against. That’s not the point. The point is the revenge itself. “If people screw you, screw them back 10 times as hard,” he explained in 2011.

Media organizations he doesn’t like suddenly find themselves blacklisted from campaign rallies and press briefings. One failed business deal in Mexico, and later he’s ranting about how most Mexicans are “rapists” who “bring in drug and crime.” When he won the Republican presidential primary in 2016, he took almost no steps toward reconciliation with his former foes, instead dishing out insults left and right to people he no longer needed to attack. And when Puerto Rico was stricken by a hurricane this summer, Trump dedicated a lot more effort than “none at all, are you crazy?” to a running feud with the mayor of San Juan.

Joe Raedle/Getty ImagesHmm … theres a Puerto Rican I dont get along with. Better screw over three million of them so she knows it.

When NFL players began kneeling during the national anthem, Trump didn’t just criticize the players like most conservative commentators; he focused a lot of his rage on the NFL itself, calling it weak and out of control. Which doesn’t make a ton of sense … until you realize that Trump has long held a grudge against the league for refusing to let him buy a team in the 1980s. And when he tried to buy the Bills in 2014, only to get outbid, he reacted the only way he knows how: with shockingly petty tweets about how boring the league was.

And then there’s the massive grudge he holds toward his predecessor, Barack Obama. Trump spent quite a bit of Obama’s first term cheerleading the birther movement because of, well … let’s say his passion for birth certificate formatting quirks. For some reason, he then attended the 2011 White House Correspondents’ Association dinner. There, Obama lit into him. For a solid two and a half minutes, Trump could do nothing more than slowly rock back and forth, tight-lipped, while Obama dished out insult after insult. The guy’s probably never had to sit through anything like that before, and the psychic impact it’s made on him can’t be underestimated. If you’re ever in any doubt about the motivations behind Trump’s actions as president, know that he’ll always do the opposite of whatever Obama would, be that building a health plan, entering the Paris Accords, or reading.

5

Decorate Like A Dictator

Being wealthy is great. You should definitely be born into that if you can. But it’s not enough on it’s own. You have to let people know you’re wealthy, so they know you’re better than them, and to go fetch you food and pelts. You can do that by shouting at them all the time (and you should; never stop shouting), but when your voice gets tired, or they simply get too far away, you’ll need something else. You’ll need to let your surroundings do the talking for you.

Which brings us the Trumpian aesthetic. The author of a book called Dictator Style identified a number of key design traits featured in the residences of most famous dictators: overly ornate decorations, big swinging chandeliers, marble everything, mismatched French furniture, that kind of thing. Decor which shouted wealth but not class, none of it presented with any kind of design or stylistic intent. And when this author saw pictures of Trump’s penthouse in Manhattan, he saw the same thing there. Vanity Fair even ran a side by side comparison of one of Trump’s mansions and a palace used by Saddam Hussein, and the similarities were not hard to find.

Vanity FairIts the aesthetic equivalent of shouting.

But The Donald does have one decorating quirk all his own: the desire to hang up obviously fake things, like this cover of Time that was proudly framed in five of his golf courses.

Angel Valentin/The Washington PostIt seems this was during Times brief First day using MS Paint series of covers.

It is completely fake. There was no Time issue printed on the date on the cover, and Trump was never on the cover of Time during the year it was supposedly made. And that’s not the only fake thing at his golf courses. Consider this sign:

Rob Carr / Getty ImagesAnd it is our great honor to do a modest amount of research to check if this is true.

Yeah, that’s fake too. Historians who know the area have no idea what battle took place there, and have never heard it referred to as the River of Blood.

Years ago, Trump’s biographer was interviewing the man on one of his presumably marble-coated personal jets. Hanging on the wall of the plane was a painting, a Renoir.

Pierre-Auguste RenoirSpecifically, the most famous painting by Renoir, which apparently no one is keeping track of.

The biographer knew this painting, and knew that the original was in a gallery in Chicago. But Trump insisted that this was the original, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. He didn’t get rid of it after being called out, either. The thing showed up on the background of an interview with his wife after his campaign victory.

Fox NewsNice to add a splash of color to the uniformly gold room of horror.

4

Eat Fast Food And Nothing But Fast Food

Every celebrity lifestyle guide is at least 50 percent bizarre ultra-healthy diet tips — exotic grains, free-range kale, and egg white omelets all prepared by their aboriginal spirit-nutritionist, Klevin. Trump’s guide would have a similar section, but y’know, the total opposite.

First, let’s discuss his taste in steaks: well-done, with a side of ketchup, which the flavor experts among you will recognize as “not optimal.” We’re talking steaks so well-done they used to “rock when they hit the plate.” Now look, elitism is shitty, in food and all other things.

Trump SteaksCase in point.

Not everyone likes their steaks mooing, so if a guy likes to eat his steak well-done, that’s fine. It’s fine.

The ketchup is a little much, though.

The other staple of the Trump diet: the 2,400-calorie McDonald’s meals he’s been known to consume. That’s multiple Big Macs, Filet-O-Fishes, and chocolate shakes. Kentucky Fried Chicken, pizza, and Diet Coke reportedly make up the rest of his diet, and if that describes yours as well, congratulations on already thinking like a billionaire, I guess?

McDonandsThough maybe we should make time for the Friends dont let friends order Filet-O-Fish talk.

There’s an interesting explanation for this love for overcooked meats and salt: Trump is a germaphobe. Imagine how risky an acai root indigenous power bowl or something would look to him, all covered in fruits and grains and stuff that clearly once touched the earth, all prepared by someone with their hands. You could then see the appeal of mass-produced, pre-packaged foods. Not if you think it through at all, but if you took a cursory glance at those two options, and you were absolutely certain that the first thought that entered your head was always 100 percent factually indisputably correct for all time, forever and ever, amen, you might see where he’s coming form.

3

Be Born With Superior Genes

If you had to pick the perfect human, the one person whose intelligence, grace, and physical attractiveness surpassed all others, it’d be Donald Trump, right?

Well, there’s a reason for that. Trump has good genes, as he’ll tell you himself. It’s part of his so-called “racehorse theory of life,” which states that some people are bred to succeed, thanks to the genetic material provided by their parents. We’re not reaching here. He brings up his genes all the time. His health? Excellent, thanks for asking, and a result of his good genes. Same thing with his energy! Luck? He was born with it! He once even said he had a genetic gift for real estate development, which … scientists are not really rushing to confirm.

Pawel Marynowski/Wikimedia CommonsInvestors, either.

Anything positive that his family does is proof of the same genetic greatness. He regularly mentions his uncle who went to MIT. His granddaughter, who’s learning Mandarin, is more proof of Trumpian greatness. His kids have inherited the belief too. Here’s his son going on about his incredible genes, including his mother’s fictitious Olympic skiing background.

This kind of thinking is a little troubling, especially when we consider another famous political movement obsessed with superior genes. Yes, it’s usually hyperbolic to compare people you disagree with to Nazis. But not when they actually believe what Nazis believe. To the millions of Americans who might not have perfect genes, it is a little disturbing that their president said, “‘All men are created equal.’ Well, it’s not true.”

Remember this?

CNN

That would be the president doing an impression of a disabled reporter. It was a joke, but you know, not a “ha ha” one. And he now sets policy for disabled Americans!

2

Fill Everything With Asbestos

Asbestos was once used as a fireproofing agent, because it is extremely effective in that role. It also causes cancer, and is extremely effective at that as well. But for some reason (it’s probably money), Donald Trump has only ever really cared about that first bullet point. In his 1997 book, he suggested the drive to remove asbestos was led by the mafia, which controlled the asbestos removal business. In his view, asbestos was “100 percent safe, once applied,” which is true about undisturbed asbestos. But it does have a nasty habit of getting disturbed, which lowers the safety level a few (dozen) percentage points.

Mark Wilson/Getty ImagesOf course, that assumes you take safety advice from qualified scientists. Trump is having none of that.

Which is why for a few decades now, we’ve had regulations mandating asbestos use and treatment. This makes it a giant and expensive pain in the ass for anyone who owns buildings, e.g. Donald Trump. And seeing as Trump isn’t a huge fan of spending his own money and also has a casual relationship with facts, you can probably now deduce how he’s taken this position. On that note, he was once sued in the 1990s by Polish construction workers who claimed they were exposed to asbestos dust without protective equipment. But that’s probably a coincidence.

Anyways, whether it’s science, regulations, or angry Poles, nothing has ever changed The Donald’s mind. He still loves asbestos, and is even on the record suggesting that it could have prevented the World Trade Center towers from collapsing on 9/11. He was even on Twitter about it, because he’s been on Twitter about everything. Whatever the opposite of a grudge is, Donald Trump has it for asbestos. Which means that if you want to be a winner, you’re going to need a carcinogen of your own to love.

RealDonaldTrump/Twitter#science

1

Exercise And Sleep Are For Losers

On the subject of exercise, Donald Trump has a very hot take: don’t. He believes that a person is like a battery, with a fixed amount of energy, and that unnecessary exercise uses that energy up. He’s even mocked others for exercising. When he found out that one of his executives was training for a triathlon, he told the man he’d “die young because of this.”

This lines up pretty neatly with the exact opposite of what scientists say, which is that while exercise might temporarily reduce your energy, it strengthens your body, thus allowing it to be stronger and store more energy in the future. You already knew that because you went to gym class once or read anything about food ever. But who are you going to trust? Scientists and common sense? Or a winner with confusing ideas about batteries?

And then there’s the matter of sleep. For a long time, Trump has claimed that he gets very little of it, from 90 minutes to four hours a night. You should probably do the same. And what can you expect to do with all that extra time you’ll have, being exhausted and grumpy? Well, if you want to be like Trump, you’ll makes deals and plot revenge.

New York MagazineEverybody knows 3 a.m. is the ideal time to sit awake, sharpening a dagger and reciting the names of everyone whos ever wronged you. Thats Business 101.

The American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends seven hours or more of sleep per day for an adult, which suggests that Trump has been wrecking his body and mind for decades now. Come to think of it, that does jive with a few things we’ve seen in the news …

Get a leg up on Donald Trump’s granddaughter and start learning Mandarin yourself with Rosetta Stone.

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_25428_donald-trumps-6-very-real-very-insane-tips-good-life.html

Can Apple Cider Vinegar Really Help You Lose Weight? An Investigation

For as long as literally anyone can remember, there have been claims that apple cider vinegar, the shit I use in my salad dressing, can help you lose weight. Because I’ve learned that I shouldn’t believe everything I read on the internet—no matter how hilarious or shocking it may seem—I did a deep investigatory dive on this shit. Yah, it’d be great to have this shit on the shelf as a miracle cure, but we all know dreams are made to be smashed. Will apple cider vinegar (ACV) help me lose weight, and if not, will it do other cool things to make me prettier, healthier, and overall a better person? Let’s find out.

THE SKETCHY TRUTH

So, like, according to the internet and my investigatory skills, this shit is a gray area. There was a study where mice given apple cider vinegar (ACV) lost weight because it suppressed body fat accumulation and metabolic disorders. But like, if I was super chubby and drank exclusively vinegar and water, I’m quite certain I’d lose weight, too. There haven’t been many studies on people, so like, depending how closely you think mice and people are related, I’ll let you draw your own conclusions. There WAS a study on people done in 2009 where a bunch of fat Japanese people were split into groups and given either two tablespoons of vinegar, half vinegar and half water, or all water. Over three months, APPARENTLY those who had more vinegar had a lower body weight and lower BMI, but all in all, they only lost like 2-4 pounds, which I can do if I eat a lot of fiber and drink a lot of coffee. So, as far as my investigatory skills are concerned, whether or not there’s clinical proof ACV can help you lose weight is a toss-up. There are, of course, OTHER benefits, though.

THE GOOD SHIT IT CAN DO

Because ACV is literally acetic acid, there are obv some benefits to adding this shit to your diet. First, it can regulate your blood sugar, which is super helpful if, like me, you enjoy cookies as a meal. Secondly, it can help to control your appetite, but so can water when I chug a shitload of it (just saying). Third, it CAN help you lose some weight by boosting metabolism, but it may take a few months to show. The way we see it: It can’t HURT to work it into your diet. And hey—if you don’t want to drink it, incorporate that shit into an Amazon Clay Mask since it’s AMAZING for your skin.

HOW YOU SHOULD USE THIS SHIT

So, moral of the story: Yes, it may help you lose a few pounds by revving your metabolism, but it def isn’t going to be utilized by Dr. Now on . Since this shit is so strong, you should not drink it straight EVER. That means taking that shot of ACV can actually cause more damage (in the way of ulcers and sores on your mouth) than good. If you want to mix it into your diet, add that shit to a smoothie, use it as salad dressing, or mix 1 TEASPOON with a FULL glass of water. 

Read more: http://www.betches.com/can-apple-cider-vinegar-make-you-lose-weight

6 Millennial Fads That Are Way Older Than You Think

There are a few things almost everyone agrees on: Water is wet, babies are cute, and Millennials are the worst generation humanity has ever created. There isn’t a thing they like, from selfies to avocado toast, that hasn’t become a sign that their inventions and fads are ruining the very fabric of society. But guess what? Half of the “Millennial” trends your grandpa complains about are actually even older than he is. For example …

6

“Sexting” Has Been Around Since The Renaissance

It’s unsurprising that the invention of a device that is capable of both taking pictures and sending those pictures to another human being was followed immediately by the invention of the practice of sending people photos of your own sex bits — or as people much cooler than we are call it, “sexting.” But the idea of “sending nudes” in order to make someone horny for you is much older than camera phones. Hell, it’s older than cameras.

Nell GwynThis was accompanied by a smaller painting of eggplant and peach emojis.

Take this 17th-century portrait of a lady preparing food while a black servant gives her an expression that seems to ask “Why are your boobs out?” The woman in the picture is Nell Gwyn, comedic actress and mistress to English King Charles II, who sent this lusty portrait to her lover sometime during their 16-year affair. The very suggestive piece shows a virginal white Gwyn flash ample cleavage while “stuffing sausages,” which we’ll assume was the Renaissance equivalent of sending the eggplant emoji. The original picture, made by a wisely anonymous painter in the late 17th century, is only a little larger than a postcard — not big enough to hang on a wall, but probably just about the right size to carry around in a king-sized pocket and show to his ducal bros.

Flash-forward to 1828, and this self-portrait by Boston painter Sarah Goodridge might be the first sext selfie. And unlike Gwyn, Goodridge knew there was a quicker way into a man’s unmentionables than some subtle iconography:

Sarah GoodridgePerhaps the slightest bit less coy than the last example.

She sent this as a gift to none other than U.S. senator Daniel Webster. It’s a miniature painting, measuring around 2×3 inches, which was popular at the time. Pretty useless for display, but handy for, say, keeping it hidden from your wife. Webster and Goodridge insisted they were only close friends, and historians have found no evidence they were doing the wild thing. Except, of course, for exhibit Double D.

Naturally, when cameras came along, sexting became a lot easier. The media already knew about the trend as early as 1860, warning ladies against the improper behavior of “giving daguerreotypes of themselves to young men who are merely acquaintances.”

New York LedgerYou can almost hear #KnowYourWorth quietly echoing back through history.

And during the early 1900s, it was common for women to send racy pictures of themselves to their husbands on the battlefield to show them what was waiting at home (a very blurry half-dressed woman). There are plenty of attics everywhere that might contain such saucy pictures in a dusty box, claims English Professor Joshua Adair — a fact that he likes to illustrate to his horrified students by showing them a photo he found of his pantsless grandmother.

Joshua AdairLearning about family history is fun until you reach the truth: Your grandparents boned. Hard.

5

People Were Using Selfie Sticks In The 1920s

Selfies might be the worst thing Millennials have embraced with outstretched arms, apart from Nazism. But until recently, selfies had been an awkward thing to pull off, holding the camera as far away as possible while as your trembling hand tries to frame all of your friends’ duckfaces. In came the selfie stick, still the most divisive popular invention of our time. Some people love them, other people love that they cause users to sometimes walk onto train tracks. But for all the crap oldies give kids about their selfie sticks, they’ve been around for almost a century.

Of course, selfies themselves started around five minutes after the camera was invented. But surely, selfie sticks had to wait until cameras got tiny or people’s biceps got massive, right? That’s why the selfie stick only officially dates back to around 2005. But when BBC News mentioned this in a column recently, it prompted one reader, Alan Cleaver, to send them this photo of his grandparents from 1925:

Alan CleaverThis filter sucks. Try Dust Bowl.

The dashing gentleman in the pictograph is Arnold Hogg, simultaneously using the earliest known selfie stick and conveniently providing photographic evidence of it. Unfortunately, the context of this image has been lost to time, but if you look at the picture, it’s quite obvious that that’s the face of a guy who just invented the selfie stick, while the expression on his wife’s face is definitely that of a woman who just realized she married the inventor of the selfie stick.

4

Text Speak Dates Back To The Telegraph Era

We’re always hearing about how SMS, Twitter, and other quick messaging platforms are destroying the English language by converting it into a bunch of shorthand gibberish. Not like in the old days, naturally, when people wrote out all of their correspondence in full with a quill pen. But now, with their abbreviations and emoticons, Millennials are all hammering out 140-character screeds that look like a shitty Rosetta Stone translating bad English to Pac-Man hieroglyphs.

And that’s probably the same complaint that people had when everyone started doing it back in the 1870s.

Back before the telephone, there was the telegraph, which you might liken to an early form of SMS. You’d write a short message and pay your local operator to tap it out in Morse code to your chosen recipient. But telegraphy was expensive, and it charged by the letter, meaning eloquence could easily cost you an entire week’s salary in the nickel mines. As a penny-pinching response, people derived a shorthand language that looks remarkably similar to the kind of text speak that Baby Boomers complain about today, as you can see from this 1901 textbook:

Google Books

In fact, a lot of accursed Millennial speak can be traced directly to the abbreviations used by fast-tapping telegraphers. Most notably, the letter “U” for “you” or “R” for “are.” Telegraphers also used “ty” for “thank you” and “pls” for “please.” And though they didn’t say “LOL,” they would indicate laughter with “HI HI” (which required fewer dots than either HA HA or HE HE).

Maybe the most surprising acronym to come out of this era is “OMG,” which has been traced as far back as a letter from Admiral John Fisher to Winston Churchill in 1917:

Fisher’s Memories“OMG, R U gonna come intercept the German fleet or wut??? :p :p :p #imonaboat”

3

A Whole Bunch Of Historical Figures Used Stand-Up Desks

If you work in an office, you might have heard that sitting is the new smoking. (Also, leaning is the new doing meth. Tell your friends.) So in order to combat the tyranny of comfort, the hip new trend in offices everywhere is the standing desk, used frequently by Millennial workers who buy into the often-disputed health claims, thinking they’re better than older generations who sat down their entire lives and didn’t act like precious snowflakes about it. Well guess what, bitter old man we made up: You’ve now called our Founding Fathers snowflakes. Traitor.

Turns out that a whole host of historical figures found it preferable to do their desk work on their feet. It’s purported that Leonardo da Vinci liked to draft his anachronistic contraptions standing up. In more recent times, we have firsthand accounts from lots of writers and politicians who liked it better that way, including Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson.

Wilhelm, Kotelmann, Bergstrom, ConradiWe may have improved on the design, but they were seriously ahead on their grade-school suit game.

The biographers of Lewis Carroll, Nathaniel Hawthorne, and Virginia Woolf all also claimed that their respective subjects cranked out their books on their feet. In 1888, philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche even snapped at the novelist Gustave Flaubert, who claimed, “One cannot think and write except when seated,” by saying, “The sedentary life is the very sin against the Holy Spirit. Only thoughts reached by walking have value.” Which is kind of the 19th-century version of what an obnoxious Millennial would say to their manager while slurping on a pumpkin spice Frappuccino.

Of course, before standing desks were popular enough to be mass-produced, most people were forced to jury-rig them. Here’s a photo of Winston Churchill working at a desk that looks to have been propped up on some kind of cabinet:

PA via The Winston Churchill Project at Hillsdale CollegeA liquor cabinet, we assume.

Ernest Hemingway also improvised his own standing desk by putting his typewriter on top of a bookcase, claiming, “Writing and travel broaden your ass if not your mind and I like to write standing up.”

Life Magazine“For sale: writing chair, never used.”

Then there’s this photo of 30-year-old Marvel Comics co-founder Stan Lee (yes, he was young once), who made a standing desk out of a bench on top of a table so that he could write not only standing up, but also outside and shirtless. As he claimed: “Always wrote standing up — good for the figure — and always faced the sun — good for the suntan!”

Stan LeeIm trying to absorb as much solar radiation as possible. You see, Ive got this theory …

2

Adult Coloring Books Date Back To The 1960s

In 2015, the publishing industry saw a considerable spike in profits when coloring books for adults became the hottest new trend, even if they’re already on the way out again. Of course, there’s no considerable difference in execution between coloring books made for kids and those made for adults, except one is to to get whiny brats to shut up, while the other is for kids. (Ha! Take that, Millennials!)

Except that adult coloring books were also a fad for another generation: the Greatest Generation. Coloring books have been published for adults since the early ’60s, and they carried the same cynical tone toward our stressful day-to-day existence. 1961’s The Executive Coloring Book featured images of a man going through his daily routine, with satirical captions like “This is my desk. It is mahogany. I wish I were mahogany” and “This is my suit. Color it gray or I will lose my job.”

G.P. Putnam’s Sons Publishing

G.P. Putnam’s Sons PublishingThis is the empty spot in my soul. Please color something … anything … there so I can feel joy again.

In 1962, the JFK Coloring Book became the first coloring book to hit the New York Times bestseller list, where it stayed there for 14 whole weeks. It contained 22 pages of mockery aimed at the Kennedy administration, with instructions to paint Kennedy “red, white and blue,” and to color the noses of his staff “burnt umber.” It’s nice to see that conservative humor hasn’t lost any of its staleness today.

Kanrom Books

Kanrom Books“Burnt umber. Because of poop, you see …”

The John Birch Society Coloring Book made fun of a prominent ’60s conspiracy theory group (kind of the Infowars of the Cold War):

John Birch Society

John Birch SocietyUsing a red crayon, color the LIES. Dont limit yourself to just this book!

Jokingly, it even contained one totally blank page, with the caption “How many Communists can you find in this picture? I can find 11. It takes practice.”

1

Women Were Getting Sleeve Tattoos And Nipple Piercings In The Victorian Age

Have you ever heard someone make that overused joke about how ridiculous hipsters with sleeve tattoos are going to look 40 years from now? Goodness, we’ll have entire retirement homes filled with saggy bodies look like Salvador Dali’s droopy phase! Not like in the past, when a tattoo was nothing but a tasteful picture of an anchor on your Navy granddad’s bicep, or a cheeky little butterfly on your hippie grandma’s left ankle.

Well surprise! There’s nothing new about chicks getting inked up. In fact, the trend dates back at least to the mid-1800s. Like anyone getting a buttload of tattoos, their reasoning also had to do with rebelling against societal norms and regimented gender roles, with the added bonus of looking cool as hell. Many notable aristocratic women in the Victorian era were known to have tattoos, including (rumor has it) Winston Churchill’s mom.

But it was, of course, the lower classes that got the most out of being as anti-establishment as possible. Many of the poor and downtrodden, the people you never read about in your textbooks, inked themselves up as elaborately as the patrons of your average modern craft beer festival.

Eisenmann Cabinet Card

The Plaza Gallery, Los AngelesTurns out Suicide Girls goes farther back than you thought.

Those two hipster assholes are Nora Hildebrandt and Maud Wagner, a couple of circus performers from the late 1800s who became well-known for their elaborate body art. But the controversy around these colorful women didn’t end at their tats. They caused quite a scandal when, in order to display every inch of their art, they would lift up their petticoats to show them. Leave it to the Victorian Era to be more disturbed by a bare thigh than a full-body tattoo.

But are tattoos really the most shocking thing 19th-century ladies could stab onto their bodies? Not even close. That honor goes to the Victorian nipple rings. While historians find it difficult to properly research things like Victorian peachrangs due to the intimacy and secrecy involved, some European medical journals have been uncovered that reference their female patients’ nipple jewelry as far back as 1857. Sometimes they were even connected by chains, because your great-great-grandma was much more hardcore than you will ever be. Some women thought that the procedure allowed them to develop bigger, rounder, firmer breasts due to the “constant excitation of the nerves caused by the rings.” And if you were a woman in the 1800s, excitation of the nerves was in short supply.

So what about the dudes? Surely, Victorian men wouldn’t dream of getting something as metal as a dick piercings? Well, not only did they consider them fashionable, but even a sign of modesty. You see, another fashion fad of the mid-19th century was incredibly tight-fitting pants — so tight that they left very little to the imagination. To better tuck their little sinners away from God-fearing eyes, well-off men would anchor their enormous Pride And Prejudice penises with a rod of metal (later called a “Prince Albert”) inside their pants to not fluster any godly women. So if you’re ever feeling insecure, take a moment to remember that your great-granddad probably had to use a barbell to secure his titanic manhood under his trousers. You won’t thank us later.

S Peter Davis is the creator of the Three Minute Philosophy YouTube series, and is the author of the book Occam’s Nightmare.

There’s more to millennials than meets the eye. Check out The Millennial Dream for more.

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_25134_6-millennial-fads-that-are-way-older-than-you-think.html

5 Organizations That Can Literally Just Take Our Money Already

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the world is literally crumbling around us and it’s time to cut back on skinny vanilla lattes with no whip and put your money towards things that actually matter. The good news is that after you donate you can brag to your friend about how you’re like, a really good person. Also you can help people and the world. That is the point. Don’t be shallow, Karen.

We saved you the trouble of having to open another tab on your browser and put together a curated list of amazing organizations that will put your money to good use. We’re amazing/super helpful/saving the world, etc. — yes, we know.

Environmental Organizations

So what, you’re like supes horny for the environment? Great, we could use more of you. Our president doesn’t believe that climate change is real, which is a bold move for a man who can barely read. Point is, the environment needs our help. Here are some organizations you can donate to and help literally save the world.

Earth Justice: This nonprofit funds legal teams that hold corporations accountable when they try to break environmental laws. They are literally representing Earth and taking down the man simultaneosuly. Badass, right? Donate here.

Humane Society: This is the nation’s most effective animal protection organization, and tbh animals are beating humans by a long shot in terms of the whole deserving-to-be-alive thing rn. Make a donation here

SeaWeb: The ocean ecosystem is incredibly important when it comes to keeping our planet in balance and like, in existence. So naturally humans have taken to completely destroying it. This org takes a marketing approach to protecting sea life because branding is everything, obv. Help out with a donation here.

Organizations For Women

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but women are everything. Unfortunately, women are often in need of help because why would the world ever make anything easy for us? Here are a few organizations that provide assistance for women in need.

Safe Horizon: This incredible organization is not exclusively for women, but it provides assistance for victims of domestic violence and sexual abuse, and statistically most of those victims are women. Fuck everything, and also donate here.

International Women’s Health Coalition: Sure, the US is a legit garbage fire right now, but women all over the world have it much worse than we do. IWHC advances the sexual and reproductive health and rights of women and young people in Africa, Asia, Eastern Europe, Latin America, and the Middle East. Take your girl power beyond the US borders and donate here.

Time’s Up: You’ve probably heard of this one seeing as it made a splash at the Golden Globes last Sunday. For those of you that don’t know, one — get your shit together –  and two, Time’s Up is a movement with a mission to end sexual harassment and assault in the workplace. You can donate here

Organizations That Help Immigrants

Republicans are dead set on doing what they do best, aka ruining lives, and are attempting to repeal DACA, the program that protects undocumented citizens that came to the US as minors. Idk why I’m explaining this to you, you should all read The Sup everyday and know all this shit by now.

Council on American-Islam Relations: The CAIR helps Muslim communities and individuals that are facing discrimination. In Trump’s America, this organization needs your help now more than ever. You can make a contribution here.

Families For Freedom – This org helps families that are facing deportation. Again, in a country ruled by a man who wants to deal with immigration the same way I dealt with getting my sister to not touch my shit when we were literal children — by building a wall around it — this organization could really use your donation. Click here to help. 

International Rescue Committee – The IRC helps refugees by providing them with shelter, food, and education. They are legit saints. Help out by donating here

Organizations Focused on Criminal Justice Reform

Look, I love r just as much as the next betch, but the reality is that our criminal justice system kinda…sucks. And is racist AF. The war on drugs is specifically racist and unjust, but I’ll save delving into that for when I’m wasted at a party and corner you to yell at you about it another time. For now, here are some great places you can donate to to help bring justice to our justice system.

The Sentencing Project: The Sentencing Project works for a fair and effective U.S. criminal justice system by promoting reforms in sentencing policy, addressing unjust racial disparities and practices, and advocating for alternatives to incarceration. The US locks up more people per capita than any other nation, and convicted felons are disproportionately black. Plus, an astonishing amount of sentences are for nonviolent crimes. I don’t have the word count to get into it now, but I suggest you donate here

Families Against Mandatory Minimums: Did you know that people can go to jail for up to 40 years for something as small as marijuana possession because of mandatory minimums? Great, sounds like every white, fratty fuckboy you know who smokes and sells a shit ton of weed can get locked up then, right? Nope, it’s mostly black men that are affected by this. Lol, remember when I said I wasn’t going to delve into the war on drugs? Anyway, donate here to help those affected by mandatory minimums.

Students for Sensible Drug Policy: SSDP is the only international network of students dedicated to ending the war on drugs. I feel like I’ve made my point here re: the fuckery convention that is the war on drugs. I think we can all agree that would should be able to smoke weed in peace. Visit SSDP’ website. Donate. Smoke a blunt.

Organizations Involved in the LGBTQ Community

I’m starting to sound like a broken record here, but the President of wanting to fuck his daughter the United States is ruining everything, vulnerable communities are under attack and we should totally just stab Cesar, etc. etc. Here are some LGBTQ focused organizations you can donate to.

Gay Men’s Health Crisis: GMHC is the world’s first and leading provider of HIV/AIDS prevention, care and advocacy. They do amazing work and fund a lot of incredible programs, including Re-Charge which takes a harm reduction and sex positive (hell yeah) approach to providing assistance to gay and trans men. Donate here.

Community United Against Violence: The CUAV’s mission is to end violence and oppression imposed on the LGBTQ community. Nothing not to love there. Donate here

Trans Student Educational Resources: This organization is led by transgender youth and aims to transform the education environment for trans and gender nonconforming students through advocacy and empowerment. Hell fucking yes. You can donate here.

Honorable Mention: How TF Can You Help Puerto Rico?

Puerto Rico needs our help and the Great Pumpkin in Chief has made it v clear that it won’t be coming from him. There are a lot of ways to help out, but we suggest checking out Global Giving, Central World Kitchen, and Center for Disaster Philanthropy.

Obviously there are thousands of other amazing organizations that could use donations, but unfortch we cannot list them all. A hot tip: look into how you can help out locally. Local organizations are often in need of funding and can do a lot for your community. Plus, it’s a great way to #GoLocal without saying obnoxious shit like, “let’s go to the farmer’s market!” at 10am on a fucking Sunday. 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Read more: http://www.betches.com/organizations-that-need-donations

10 Everyday Habits That Are Destroying Your Hair

Hair health is for reals. You may think it doesn’t take a genius to get good, long, healthy hair, but you could be wrong. Like, did you know that 90% of your normal routine is probably leading to breakage and the actual opposite of shampoo commercial hair? It’s sad, but it’s true. Since we only hang out with people who have nice clothes and hair, we figured it was our godly duty to inform you of the everyday shit you’re def doing that’s fucking up your potentially shiny, amazing hair. So say goodbye to things like cotton pillowcases, towels, and hot water. SAD.

1. Hot Water

I love washing away the stench of failure a day at the office as much as the next betch, but it’s important to know that turning that dial all the way up to HOT can lead to breakage and frizz because you’re washing out all the natural oils in your hair. You can still take a hot shower, just don’t, like, overdo it.

2. Wrapping Your Hair In A Towel

Because towels aren’t, by nature, that soft, using one to wrap around your head turban-style can actually lead to more breakage. Rubbing and trying to dry hair with a towel is even worse. Using something like a jersey material is actually WAY better and more absorbent.

3. Sleeping On A Cotton Pillowcase

YAS QUEEN. Stop sleeping on that plebeian material and invest in a silk or satin pillowcase (like this one from SLIP that we swear by). Not only is it gentler on your skin and less likely to give you wrinkles (bless), but it also won’t play host to as much friction as cotton, which can lead to hair breakage.

4. Dry Shampoo

Alright, well, I guess I’ll just go fuck myself. APPARENTLY using too much dry shampoo can block your scalp’s pores and make your hair super dull. It can even lead to literal pimples on your head. I’ve never felt so betrayed.

5. Putting Your Hair In A Top Knot

I KNOW. According to Doris Day, an important historical figure NYC dermatologist, tight hairstyles put strain on hair follicles, damaging them and creating scars that can, in turn, destroy the follicle forever. So, like, go ahead and wear the topknot, but not every day and not hella tight.

6. Skipping Milk And Red Meat

Sooooo the juice cleanse you’re on may have you feeling super in touch with your inner zen, but it isn’t doing jack shit for your hair. Turns out you need protein and calcium to provide keratin, which helps protect hair from the inside out. The more you know.

7. Not Cleaning Your Brushes

We all have one—don’t deny it. Dirty brushes can actually irritate your scalp and result in clogged pores, equaling not so shiny tresses.

8. Skipping Breakfast

Ughhhhh. So apparently, hair needs nutrients just like the rest of your body, and not eating can fuck that shit up. Like, not chugging some OJ and stuffing a granola bar in your face at 7am can actually lead to shedding and slower growth of your hair. So, like, eat.

9. Going To Bed With Wet Hair

Although moms everywhere will attest that going to bed with a wet head will def result in pneumonia/AIDS/death, it actually is super bad for your hair—not so much your health. Putting wet hair in a ponytail and going to bed can lead to breakage since the hair is in a not-so-strong state.

10. Skipping The Hairdresser

If you’re trying to grow out your hair, a trip to the salon seems out of the question. But not going could actually be worse for your long tress quest. As your hair grows, you’re obv going to have split ends. If you don’t cut ’em off, and keep growing everything out, those splits are going to travel upward. So, like, go to the hairdresser—ask for a “dusting” or to JUST remove split ends. It’ll be okay. 

 

Read more: http://www.betches.com/10-habits-that-are-destroying-your-hair

This New Theory About Trump’s Weight Is Our Favorite Conspiracy Ever

Everybody stop what you’re doing — there is a movement taking the nation by storm and it’s crucial that you know about it. It’s called the “girther movement” and its basic concept is that Trump is fat. That sounds more like a fact than a theory or a movement, we know. We’re getting to the details, chill.

So, remember when Trump started a false rumor that Obama was not born in America? It’s almost like spreading racist lies is a hobby of his. Anyway, that was called the “birther movement” and it was a bunch of BS and Trump is a terrible person etc. etc. Well, now we have some payback for the McDonald’s Customer of the Year current president. And it is the girther movement. Time to get in-formation.

What is it: A movement to set the record straight and prove that Trump is fatter than White House says he is.

Where did it come from? Trump underwent his physical exam and was reported to be in great physical shape. And then anyone with eyes was like, “lol no.” MSNBC’s Chris Hayes coined the actual term “girther movement” and now he will go down in history as a national hero.

What are some of the hot deets? So glad you asked. The results of the exam stated that Trump is  6’3 and 239lbs, with a Body Mass Index of 29.9. What’s important to note here is that his New York driver’s license says he is 6’2, and if Trump was an inch shorter or a pound heavier he would be officially classified as obese. Seems suspicious to me.

The doctor credited the president’s health to “incredible genes,” which is easily refutable with a quick google search of Trump’s sons. They are so ugly it’s honestly offensive. Also, Exhibit B: Trump himself. If those are good genes I quit.

The president also scored a 30 out of 30 on the Montreal Cognitive Assessment test, meaning his mental capacity is in good shape as well. Before you start a movement about how this is also a lie, please note that the test is mostly naming animals and drawing hands on clocks, so maybe let this one go. Congrats, everyone, our president can name a giraffe when he sees one and even knows how to tell time. A big day for us all.

Now, let’s take to twitter and push this Girther Movement. DRAG [CLAP EMOJI] HIM.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Read more: http://www.betches.com/girther-movement

A Definitive List Of All The Things Millennials Have “Killed”

Insane as it sounds, in a world where our highest ranking public official watches four to eight hours of television a day and every male Hollywood exec has like ten assault allegations against them, millennials are still considered society’s villains.

The olds are threatened by fast-texters and have decided the only way to take us down is to write lengthy articles about products, brands, and trends we’ve “killed.” By “killed” they just mean, things we DGAF about anymore. Sorry face-to-face conversations are boring, Grandma.

Here is a list of my favorite things millennials have killed. 

Diamonds

When millennials started swiping instead of settling, diamond companies freaked out and were like who TF will buy our unethically sourced jewels?! Honestly, we’re receiving false alarms that Hawaii is being nuked and our president is in a dick measuring contest with an insane dictator across the world. That “forever” diamonds are promising doesn’t have much value at the moment. Also, have you ever seen a millennial’s bank account? They’re mostly overdraft fees caused by 2am drunk purchases on Amazon. Diamonds aren’t exactly on the menu.

Doorbells

Millennials are texting their friends when they roll up instead of ringing doorbells and this is hurting Baby Boomers’ feelings. This feels nitpicky and anyone who has strong feelings about doorbells and how often they are used can just chill. Plus, I’m not going to just answer the door if I don’t know who is going to be there? I think that is a shared sentiment and coincides with the decrease in popularity of serial killers. No need to look that up, seems undeniably true.

Napkins

Well, first of all, we aren’t buying napkins because we’re getting free napkins in our takeout bags. Duh. Second of all, we’re using paper towels. Rent costs like 90% of my paycheck and Rihanna’s Fenty Beauty products account for the rest of the what I spend. I don’t have the luxury to buy two different types of paper products? Napkins are over.

Cereal

HAVE [CLAP] YOU [CLAP] HEARD [CLAP] OF [CLAP] AVOCADO [CLAP] TOAST [CLAP]???

Motorcycles

Millennials have “killed” motorcycles but tbh I think that’s just because we haven’t hit a midlife crisis yet. Give us like 15 years and we’re all going to buying those bad boys to rev up our lives and seem sexy again. Just be patient and those Harley sales will spike back up. For now we will spend our life saving on Lyft rides and then wonder why we can’t afford luxuries like “health insurance.”

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Healthy People Are Faking Disabilities To Get A Service Dog

You may think of service animals as those dogs that keep blind people from walking into traffic, but they’re available for all sorts of conditions, like PTSD or anxiety. Or nothing at all, if you’re willing to lie.

Yes, as you might have noticed if you’ve flown next to a suspiciously unruly rottweiler or seen three humping dogs forming a canine centipede at the DMV, there are a hell of a lot more service animals now than there used to be, and some of their owners seem perfectly healthy. Why in the hell would somebody fake a disability just to get a fake service animal? To find out, we talked with “Ashley,” who did precisely that.

5

Does Your Lease Say “No Pets Allowed?” Well …

This is the big one. If your pet counts as a support or assistance animal, you and your dog/cat/goat can stride happily past “No pets allowed” signs all day long. That’s what got Ashley into the game.

“When my grandmother passed away,” she says, “I got her dog, a little nine-month-old terrier. I was going to shelter him, but after a few months sorting things out at my grandma’s house in Arizona, he became my little baby.” Then she returned home and introduced her landlord to her brand-new roommate, a very good boy. The landlord said, “‘I guess that means you’re giving notice.’ Because the lease had a no-pets policy.”

But Ashley already had a counterattack ready in the form of a pile of documents prepared by her law student nephew. The terrier, she told the landlord, was her assistance animal. According to the Fair Housing Act, tenants are welcome to keep assistance animals, as “No pets” policies don’t apply, since such animals aren’t pets. Landlords can’t even charge extra fees or a pet deposit. Ashley was welcome to keep it, so long as it was never documented being aggressive and required no unreasonable accommodations.

PawPADSSo, presumably no emotional support buffalo.

Those special laws weren’t meant for her and her grandma’s terrier. They were meant for animals that help people with disabilities (such as guide dogs for the blind), or comfort animals for people with severe mental illnesses like PTSD. Ashley simply claimed to have depression, having gotten the diagnosis specifically so she could keep the dog. The landlord said she’d soon hear from his lawyer. She never did. “I probably seem terrible to you,” she says, “but I like to tell myself that at least I had a reason. I was depressed at the time, and I didn’t want to see something of my grandma’s go away. I grew attached, and I did what I had to do.”

But that was only the beginning.

4

With A Fake Service Animal, You’re An Instant VIP

Want to bring your dog on a plane? You can stow it under a seat for around $125, if it can fit. You can send it in cargo for $300. Or, if you call it a support animal, it rides for free thanks to the Air Carrier Access Act. “It’s almost a secret club at airports and in airplanes,” says Ashley. “Perfectly healthy people come in with service dogs, and there’s always a knowing nod we have.”

The Easter Turkey Files/FacebookIt doesn’t even need to be a dog.

Outside of housing and flights, the rules are a lot tighter. Businesses are free to kick out emotional support animals. Under the Americans with Disabilities Act, they only have to allow service animals that are trained to perform specific tasks for the disabled, with “being h*ckin cute and floofy” not counting as a specific service task. But plenty of businesses aren’t clear on the distinction, so they err on the side of letting assistance animals past every velvet rope.

“When you think of every place you’ve seen them, I’ve taken him there,” says Ashley. “Lyfts. The subway. On beaches which said ‘No dogs allowed.’ Malls. Hotels. At first I did it because I wanted to see how far I could take it, but besides a few restaurants, I found out that there’s virtually no limit.” Once, she even brought him into a spa, a place not normally receptive to loud barks and shedding. “The manager had to come down and part a wall of employees for me, all of whom looked pissed.”

From skipped fees and other perks, she reckons she saves a couple thousand dollars a year.

3

Certifying A Dog Can Be Nothing But An Elaborate Charade

There are a few ways, with varying degrees of legitimacy, to “certify” your animal (assistance animals today range from cats to the frickin’ turkeys seen above). The first is you go the whole nine yards and get a real one. A dog may cost tens of thousands of dollars to train, and unless you’re legit disabled and need it to open doors or push buttons, you aren’t getting one.

The second way is outright fake certification, thanks to wide selection of “official service dog registries” awaiting you on the internet. “I signed up with four services,” says Ashley. “I had to stop on the first four because it felt like a scam. They’d let my dog be licensed based solely on what I told them. It didn’t feel right.”

Those cost around $100 each. It’s a great deal if your conscience doesn’t object, and entirely sufficient for convincing people who don’t know better. According to the ADA, you don’t actually need to carry any certification. Businesses must take you at your word after asking only two questions: Is the dog a service animal required because of a disability? (to root out emotional support dogs) and What work or task has the dog been trained to perform? (for further rooting out). Oddly enough, the savviest business owners know that dog owners who do carry around certificates for their dogs are the ones most likely to be fakers.

The third way to certify your dog is the gray market approach, whereby you mix the previous two into what can best be described as “legal-ish.” This starts with a medical diagnosis. “I was thinking about PTSD, but depression seemed the easiest,” says Ashley. “I thought, ‘I get depressed sometimes,’ and I went to my doctor. I told him how bad it felt and how I didn’t want to use pills. I needed something ‘like a rock.’ It wasn’t hard selling him on being depressed. My grandma had just died, and I had been in a hospital in Arizona about depression because of how blue I was.”

Armed with a doctor’s note, she reached out to a certification group. Again, there’s no official registry for service dogs, but some private companies will at least test your dog out to see that it’s manageable in public and likely won’t suddenly maul a baby. “I was instructed to walk down the street with him,” recalls Ashley. “He was fine. Then I was told to bring him nearby a few large dogs. He looked a little intimidated, but again, he was fine. And that was it.”

But even more powerful than any piece of paper when it comes to fooling people is an adorable service dog vest, which Ashley grabbed off Amazon with no verification at all.

AmazonWith free shipping, you can’t afford not to take advantage.

“Before I got everything I needed, I took my dog for a walk with his vest on, and I was given right of way. Joggers who otherwise wouldn’t have moved before saw the vest when they were coming near and got out of my way. That little vest is a powerful thing.”

And really, what’s the harm?

2

Actual Disabled People Get Screwed

As fun as it would be to sneak your dog somewhere it shouldn’t be, like an operating room or a SpaceX rocket, there are reasons businesses keep animals out. Even Ashley sees the other side now and again, like when she was on a flight to New York full of untrained “service dogs” barking their heads off and stewardesses trying vainly to quiet them all. Or the time she took her dog to the grocery store and saw six other dogs there too, forcing the manager to sub in for employees who had allergies. “He said, ‘Do you absolutely need a dog with you? This is insane. We can barely run a business.’ I didn’t say anything, but I felt bad.”

Many, many people are getting into the fake assistance animal game, and the real victims are those people who truly need them, but are disbelieved because of all the fraud out there. (Which is our biggest fear even running this article. Please do not go around accusing strangers of fraud because they don’t “seem” disabled enough for their animal!) Some service dog owners report getting denied hotel rooms (Ashley herself is convinced she gets the worst room possible when hotels learn of her dog) or kicked off flights.

“Charlotte” is a friend of Ashley’s who has a legitimate emotional support dog. “She saw a murder happen and has had PTSD ever since,” she says. “Bad PTSD. Without her dog, I don’t think she could leave the house.” And Charlotte happened to take her dog to the grocery store (the same store as the allergies incident) when a pair of fake service dogs decided to chew up some stuff on the bottom shelves and then poop all over the floor. An employee yelled, “Hey, control your dog!” at Charlotte, the only innocent dog owner there, triggering her PTSD.

Not that that’s enough to make Ashley keep her own dog at home. “My dog isn’t promoting service dogs being out of control,” she clarifies. “I’m … probably sounding hypocritical still, but I said what I said.”

1

People Are Catching On, And Fakers Do Get Punished … Sometimes

Those incidents we mentioned just now, when businesses turn away service dogs? They aren’t that common. Denying a service dog can turn into a PR nightmare, whether it’s by a hotel, an airline, or Popeye’s Chicken. “That’s why we aren’t called out on it more often,” says Ashley. “No one wants to be the person bashing the handicapped out of something they need.” So when the owner of one family-style restaurant refused her dog entry and finally threatened to call the police, Ashley wasn’t shaken. “Do it!” she said. “They’ll tell you how wrong you are!”

Within ten minutes, the cops were there.

“I was doing OK in convincing them until they asked if it was an emotional support dog,” says Ashley. “To which I said yes. They knew about the service and support distinction, so they knew a lot about these laws. I didn’t have to, but I showed them my certificate for my dog, and they said, ‘Haven’t seen them like this before.'” Now she started to panic, but she was saved by a random coincidence. The officer recognized the name of her doctor and decided to let her go. Petty corruption for the win!

California currently has a $1,000 fine and six months in jail lined up for faking a service dog. In Florida, it’s $500 and two months in jail. Other states have measures too, and in case it sounds like a slap on the wrist, that’s per count. So Ashley now keeps a lower profile — including taking tips on how legitimate support animal owners act. “Owners with real problems won’t let you touch the dog, or even get near it,” she says. “It’s working, and you can distract it. Owners taking it on for the hell of it, they’ll be like, ‘Sure, you can pet them!'” Even with emotional support dogs, you can’t do that. “I have to act like that now.”

One flight of Ashley’s had three support dogs on it. There was her, a woman in a wheelchair, and then the third woman, who had a Chihuahua. “She was letting kids pet the dog,” says Ashley, “and I had told those same kids before that my dog was working. The woman in the wheelchair overheard me and said, as we were both looking at her, ‘Don’t those people make you sick?’ She had no idea.”

Evan V. Symon is a journalist, interview finder guy, and writer for the Personal Experiences section at Cracked.

Instead of getting your floofer a service vest they’re not qualified to wear and doing the general public a bamboozle, how about a heckin’ cool but also warm coat instead?

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/personal-experiences-2156-healthy-people-are-faking-disabilities-to-get-service-dog.html