A timeline of the rogue Twitter employee’s last day at work before deleting Trump’s account

Image: mashable composite. max knoblauch; shutterstock

This post is a part of Mashable Humor. It is not real. We drew the bird, though, and think it’s pretty good.

A Twitter customer support employee is responsible for temporarily deactivating the account of President Trump for 11 minutes on Thursday night, just before 7:00 p.m. EST. According to a statement from the company, it was said employee’s last day, and they acted without the approval of anyone else at Twitter.

What follows is a comprehensive timeline of the “rogue” employee’s infamous last day at Twitter HQ.

9:05 a.m.: Employee arrives at office on their last day. Employee sits at desk.

9:15 a.m.: Employee’s manager approaches, asks employee if they received email. “I haven’t checked my email,” employee replies. “Oh, okay. Well, when you get a chance,” manager answers. The employee will not look at the email.

9:20 a.m.: Employee tells coworker Devin that his coffee mug is on their desk, technically, and has been every day for several months.

9:25 a.m.: Employee leaves for “early lunch.”

1:15 p.m.: Employee returns from lunch.

1:19 p.m.: Employee sends email recommending lunch spot’s Moscow Mules to full New York office.

1:25 p.m.: Employee forwards Moscow Mule email to global staff list with message, “In case any of you are ever in town.”

1:30 p.m.: Using Sharpie, employee writes, “This bread taste like DOGGGG SHIT” on a loaf of bread in the employee kitchen.

1:35 p.m.: Employee reminds coworker Devin about the coffee mug’s location, asking him, “Did you know?”

1:40 p.m.: Employee leaves for “late lunch.”

4:10 p.m.: Employee returns from late lunch.

4:45 p.m.: During team meeting, employee is asked to say a few words. Employee uses full time to again recommend the Moscow Mules. The employee has worked at Twitter for 4 years.

5:00 p.m.: Employee enters back room and adjusts office thermostat to 68 degrees.

5:03 p.m.: Employee arrives at HR for exit interview.

5:10 p.m.: Employee responds to HR’s question of, “How do you feel about your time here?” with simply, “Bad.”

5:12 p.m.: Employee responds to HR’s question of, “Is there anything you feel you have not been able to do in your time here?” with, “Delete the president’s Twitter.” Employee tells HR they think they will be deleting President Trump’s account later in the day. The HR representative chuckles.

5:15 p.m.: Employee returns to desk.

5:30 p.m.: Employee watches the first 25 minutes of Netflix’s What the Health at desk without headphones.

5:55 p.m.: Employee says, “Wow.”

5:56 p.m.: Employee messages manager that the office chairs are very uncomfortable. Manager replies with, “Well, I don’t furnish the office lol.” Employee replies, “I do not like you and I have not liked you for some time now.” Manager does not reply.

6:00 p.m.: Employee stands on desk and announces that they will be drinking Moscow Mules at the lunch spot nearby if anyone wants to go.

6:48 p.m.: Employee returns to office to retrieve coat.

6:49 p.m.: Employee throws Devin’s mug in the garbage.

6:50 p.m.: Employee deactivates the president’s Twitter account.

6:55 p.m.: Employee returns to lunch spot for Moscow Mules.

Read more: http://mashable.com/2017/11/04/rogue-twitter-employee-deletes-trump-timeline-satire/

Well, someone is spray painting condoms on graffiti dicks in London

Graffiti penises are “outdoor decor” you probably think you’d rather not encounter. But a safer sex advocate from the UK might just change your mind on that.

An anonymous 28-year-old Londoner is raising awareness of sexually transmitted infections and the importance of protection by spray painting condoms on graffiti penises. Yes, you heard that right. And it’s damn genius.

Sure, it’s technically illegal. But it’s also a pretty genius way of starting a conversation about safer sex.

“One night I did some research on STI rates, and then the idea just came to me to make stencils of a condom and a link where people can get free condoms then I just went out and did it,” the man, who is an art director by day, told BuzzFeed.

City Cock 5 #protectcitycocks

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The condom artist has been at it since April, with each fluorescent condom accompanied by the URL for Shine, a reproductive health organization in London providing free STI screenings and free condoms through six National Health Service clinics.

So far, he’s added about 20 dicks to his portfolio.

City Cock 1 #protectcitycocks

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The creative process is basically a graffiti dick scavenger hunt. Wherever the condom vigilante sees a spray painted penis already in place, he adds a condom. Simple as that.

“If there’s going to be cocks scattered everywhere that nobody wants to see, we might as well have people learn something from the cocks,” he told Buzzfeed.

City Cock 3 #protectcitycocks

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In 2015, there were approximately 435,000 diagnoses of STIs made in England, mostly impacting straight youth under 25 and men who have sex with men.

The mystery artist has been particularly focused on spreading his message to youth because he noticed many of the graffiti dicks were at school bus stops. Shocking.

“It just shouldn’t be the norm to just have your wang out, especially unprotected,” he told Buzzfeed. “I just thought it sent the wrong message.”

City Cock 2 #protectcitycocks

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The anonymous man-on-a-mission recently started an Instagram to document his safer sex project called @protectcitycocks. And while the creative effort is pretty goofy and giggle-worthy, the artist hopes it spreads a serious message.

“I just hope that this has some positive impact and that it could get more people to use condoms and eventually help lower the STI rates,” he said.

Insert cheeky “no glove, no love” joke here.

Read more: http://mashable.com/2017/05/20/spray-painted-condoms-penis-uk/

Here’s what it’ll take for Republicans to actually impeach Trump

Image: chip somodevilla/Getty Images

For President Trump, every new day brings a new impeachable offense.

The list of seemingly impeachable crimes grows by the minute one second, he’s leaking secrets to a foreign adversary, the next, he’s openly admitting to obstruction of justice on national television. But contrary to what you may have heard from the lamestream media, Congressional Republicans aren’t afraid of him.

They’re more than willing to impeach the president, assuming he commits what they consider an impeachable offense.

Below are a list of crimes that Congressional Republicans would consider impeachable offenses. Of course, they’d need a large number of votes to secure impeachment, including the House and two thirds of the Senate. If Trump commits one of these offenses, however, they’ll courageously push forward their Oath is to the Constitution, not the President.

1. Destroys 90 percent of the civilized world

Let’s be honest: do we really need 100 percent of the Western world? Who’s really going to miss Luxembourg?

If President Trump wants to destroy most of the civilized world, that’s completely within his Constitutional right but once he starts going after their Caribbean all-inclusives, they will consider a strong talking-to.

2. Instead of shooting someone on Fifth Avenue, tries to give them health insurance

If President Trump wants to shoot someone on Fifth Avenue, that’s absolutely within his jurisdiction as president. Were he to try and give them actual insurance, that would be considered extreme executive overreach and an impeachable offense.

3. Says something nice about Hillary

Hating Hillary Clinton is the GOP’s only consistent policy position over the last 20 years. They’re not going to allow Trump to go rogue on this one.

4. Uses the nuclear weapon arsenal to destroy the sun

The moon? No problem. Losing the sun, however, will affect the tan lines they’ve spent their whole career building. Impeach!

5. Jeopardizes their chance for re-election

As president, Trump has the right to do whatever the hell he wants. If, however, the president in any way effects the party’s chances for re-election, Congress retains the right to impeach him and replace him with someone way hotter.

6. Dies

The GOP will gladly take up articles of impeachment once Trump is already dead.

7. Commits to what he promised during the election

If Trump actually tries to rebuild the manufacturing sector or protect Medicare and Social Security or try to give healthcare to everyone, that will be considered an impeachable offense.

8. Lets his approval rating drop below 30 percent

Low approval ratings are an impeachable offense, per an article written by Paul Ryan on Medium.

9. Goes to jail

If the President goes to jail, Congress will potentially consider articles of impeachment if and only if it prevents him from signing their executive orders.

10. Raises their taxes

The founding fathers dreamed of a country free of estate taxes and rich with capital gains loopholes. If Trump does anything that affects their personal incomes, or the assets of lobbyists they care about, that is a sure sign that he has gone too far, and that he will be removed from office once and for all.

Maybe.

Read more: http://mashable.com/2017/05/17/what-takes-trump-impeached/